It was somewhere between California and Nevada when looking out the window, like some cliched movie scene, I thought to myself, "This is being carefree...this is true happiness." It was the beginning of 2016, out on the open road, me and my girls, great music...moments like those that remind you life can truly be rewarding. I have a good amount of those in my pockets, and yet I still struggle for meaning. I still struggle for purpose...and I struggle to define the curvatures of my temperament. I would imagine people have control of the dial to their emotions, moods...like tuning a radio. For me, it's more like a balance scale...there's fantastic, and then there's rock bottom. Boom. All of a sudden. Even in my road trip Shangri-La, I still managed to have a temporary flare up in Vegas. A description cannot even be made...was it rage? Anxiety? Obsessive-compulsive? Who knows...I feel like I should be saying this all to a shrink, and I intend on seeking help soon, but coming to grips with the reality that I may not be in the best mental health, as well as an upcoming birthday is...I can't describe it. For the first time, I struggle to find the words to describe how I feel. The queen of feels. Sigh. It's truly why I have not kept this blog updated, and had seriously considered shutting it down. I struggle to find new words. 27 has been a rough year. Unforeseen mistakes, transgressions, and life lessons. I questioned everything that mattered, and a lot of things that didn't (and still don't matter)(I also still question them). Realities truly settling in and my forcing to make them work. I guess I've just been seeking comfort, advice...a little tenderness. However, no brand has proven successful. Nothing can help me, nothing can heal me. Not even writing, not even music. Not even me.
Tonight I bid farewell to a place I hold dear to my heart. A sanctuary, a place so special that when I first discovered it, I didn't tell many people and I was choosy about who I'd bring with me. It's truly heartbreaking that tonight will probably be the last time I ask my cab driver to take me to 155 Rivington street. St. Jerome's, what became eventually a little weekday stomping ground for me, was the catalyst to my love affair with the lower east side. I remember my first time...went with some friends on a random weekday, and happened to catch Magic Monday in all it's glory. After that I was hooked; Nobody could pry me away from that place...and I've been going now about six years. So many fond memories; I saw two renovations, an awkward Church theme (Remember the pictures of the virgin Mary in the bathroom staring at you while you took a piss?), and it's even where I met Gaga. Had my wallet stolen, had multitude of drinks bought for me/spilled on me, dance-off's, kisses, make-out sessions, and I even have a bathroom rendezvous under my belt. This place helped me recognize a part of myself, a side of me that I saw in it's patrons...it made me feel like family, even when I hadn't stopped by in a while. It will be sorely missed, but I'm glad I saw it. I'm thankful I could bear witness to a cool little downtown club that I felt a part of for a while. I shall remember it always.
Invite me in. Invite me into your vinyl world of color and contrast, where the sounds hurt from nostalgia. Please take me in, my art is homeless. My thoughts are floating in an alternate universe where they might actually have a voice...but not quite. Not even with a pretty face or a tight dress, no. Dare I say I have what it takes, all the sex appeal all the mystique you require..I am strange and unique enough. Maybe if I sacrifice all I have, all my sanity and insanity, all my earthly possessions...I will find my true voice. The authentic, un-auto tuned, crisp, clear, spoken word that let's you truly know...there's a legend sleeping inside this body. Waiting to tear you to shreds. Waiting to bleed your emotions dry, wipe the tears from your face, open your mouth in shock. Shock and awe. Invite me in so we can shock and awe.
My whole life I've always been known to command attention whenever/wherever it can be received. I've been known to get what I want, being naturally assertive and quite honestly pretty domineering. I'm not a shy wallflower by any means, but I've still dealt with my fair share of power play. However, when someone rocks me hard enough to make me submit utterly and completely, caring little of myself or how I appear, dropping all defenses and forcing me to give up control...let's just say it's rare. Mostly due to love. I have only submitted myself one hundred percent to love. Quite often than not, being in this position makes me MORE possessive and yearning for control. I want to own the feeling of being especially weak for you.
Despite all that, I am in my current endeavors learning how to to loosen my grip. I'm giving up my passion of being the most important person in the room, or the most important person in someone's life. I am just submitting. I am just giving up being the one who must have the upper hand. I'm not saying it's an easy task. I'm already biting my lip in frustration for not being first priority (or only priority as awful as that sounds) (Did Freud invent a "princess complex" because I think I have that) I think I'm expanding on the growth that happens when one feels uncomfortable. Pushing limits and boundaries further and further can only lead to learning more about yourself. I have always felt I was a naturally dominant person, a Top to so many bottoms...and I don't think that will ever change, but I can learn to bend...I can be flexible. Meeting the right person(s) has certainly helped, and recent experiences have reminded me struggle is something to overcome and learn from, so hopefully I'm not tied too tight, and with just enough wiggle room.
My sincerest apologies for being away so long, but much has happened and I've been distracted. Not all events have been bad, but some things have worn down my mind, body, and spirit. Things that have challenged my psychological well-being. I'm using it to the best of my creative abilities but I struggle with how heavy my heart can feel. It's a bit of gray overcast versus sunny days lately, but I promise to return soon with good news and a spring in my step. Good things are coming, I'm just too sad to notice.
P.S. Sorry I only write when I'm sad
The countdown begins. A new year is upon us and so are the thousands of resounding resolutions we make to better ourselves. I don't get too caught up in them, mostly just tallying off things I hope to try and achieve. Often they repeat themselves every year but I've decided to air them out here, one resolution for every day leading up to 2016 and giving them more importance this time. After all, how are we to achieve our goals if we don't clearly set them for ourselves? First on my list is to get back in the role I was born to play, and I was born to be on stage. I think I have felt for a long time like a fraud, someone who referred to herself as a "singer" or "performer" and only when I'm asked what I do for a living do I say "make up artist." I actually rarely ever call myself a make up artist, in a way I almost feel like I don't consider myself one. However, my day to day role in life is this. It is my sole income, and while it's handsome enough, I would sing for free if I could live off of it. I'd love to put on a great show three nights a week at some random saloon for a dime the hour if it promised actual fulfillment, which is what I have been lacking lately. It's not very realistic or smart, but still something is missing and it's a stage. I'll always be a showgirl at heart, and I need to feed that part of myself to keep my soul going. So, my resolution for the New Year is to find myself some nice paying work as a singer, maybe a residency doing a lounge set. Maybe once a week, maybe once a month...I'm not picky and I will be on the look out. Sometimes, to move forward we need to get back to basics. Remind ourselves where we want to go or where we want to try to be.
So wish me luck, or rather tell me to break a leg. See you at curtain call.
There's a guy in every girls life that just flips the world on its axis. He sets you back on your heels, makes you drink more, sleep less, and causes you to feel shitty and amazing simultaneously. You turn down every Tom, Dick, and Harry for the slight chance that one day he takes you in his arms and finally makes all the noise go quiet. He just wouldn't be the same if he hadn't branded himself the one that got away, the ultimate rejection you will ever face. You go over every mistake, every conversation, every look, every and any little thing that might have changed the outcome. Anything that could have made him choose me. You have to hear over and over again how you deserve better, and how it's his loss. While it's all true, it doesn't change much. The suffering that had been delivered on a silver platter I devoured, every bit of it. I cannot begin to describe the hell I went through, because by the end of it I'm ashamed at how stupid I sound. Was it not I, that encouraged the illusion? Was it not I, that carried the torch hoping it would prove my virtue and loyalty? I was the one that believed those feelings would be strong enough to carry, only to be let down over and over again. After all that, I am just now realizing I am the cause of my own un-doing. It was the lack of self-dignity that caused me to shamelessly wait around for someone to acknowledge their feelings. He had the love of a good woman, and chose not to care. I should have realized it made HIM unworthy, not the other way around. It's crazy how much thought went into it all, when it was really so simple. So here, I draw the line. The lightest straw broke this camels back, and it's time to dust myself off and get back in the saddle.
Rehab is all about steps, and I'm climbing the ladder.
A new song, a new video. The first in a while, but it took me a long time to get here. The video was shot in the course of one night. Nothing was pre-meditated, nothing was planned. I just wanted to document a regular evening out, shot and edited on my camera phone. I had no expectations, a first for me. I allowed the night to tell it's own story. As for the song, well it's self-explanatory. Everything from this style of music, my day to day life...is a journey. We all have a journey. I don't know when mine began, and I'm not sure if it will ever end. I'm unaware of how illuminating, enlightening, seedy, or moving mine will be. I don't know where it will take me exactly. I do know like all great odysseys, it will be epic...perhaps earth shattering. It will cause me to question everything from my loyalties to my morals to my purpose. I no longer care to prove my ability, or my talents. The journey will speak for itself.
This always happens to me. Every so often, my brain becomes flooded with lust. It's like a disease, you know. I can't sleep, eat, drink, shower, dress or get undressed without thinking about the sex I'm NOT having. It's almost embarrassing to admit, but I know there are other women out there who feel the same way, and I want to tell them I understand. I almost always hear the same response when I vent to friends: "you're so beautiful though, you can get anyone you want." It doesn't quite work like that. I don't walk into every bar/social situation and wave a magic wand to make men swoon. More often than not, I'm unsuccessful due to my being "intimidating" (according to close friends of mine) and when I scale down my confidence level to give them a chance, I barely get a glance. After enough time has passed, and those few opportunities do arise to share sins of the flesh, I start to wonder whether it's even worth it. If it turns out bad, I feel guilty for having wasted a chance on a bad lay. If it's great, then it's only a matter of time until I want more from that individual, whether romantically or sexually and maybe sex is where the line is drawn. Casual sex is cool, and for a long time I was okay with that. But I started noticing whether good or bad, I felt slightly empty afterwards as if I were craving a burger and had a salad instead. You can eat as many salads as you want, but you're still going to crave that burger. Although being on this romantic diet has provided clarity, in terms of what I want and what I'm not prepared to settle for, I still make bad decisions. I still scratch at the back doors of lovers past looking for sanctuary. Safe. Familiar. Even if it's not what I want. I lie down on my bedroom floor, just to feel gravity's slight weight on top of me. I read my romance novels, and close my eyes and picture what it would be like with a stranger I've never met. Any fantasy to ease my suffering, until I find a burger juicy enough to sink my teeth into.
As a civilization we seem to be pretty obsessed with crime and murder. Actually, the less civilized the crime the more our mouths water with a frenzy. Especially when the accused or the crime is a juicy stereotype of some sort that the media can play on, until the lines between reality and fiction blur. One of my favorites is the case of Jodi Arias, who brutally stabbed her lover multiple times in cold blood, slit his throat, and then shot him in the head. No matter how griSly the details, it's always the media's favorite story to tell. The heated crime of passion, and more so when it's a beautiful girl who's committed the murder. I noticed right from the beginning there was something off about her; from the obvious attention she craved to her soft spoken, demure attitude...all I kept seeing was a girl who was mentally playing a role. It was all just one staged act of media manipulation and madness. The girl was definitely not sound of mind by any means, or smart about executing her plans, which made it all seem planned, even the part where she got caught. Recently I saw a TV series about this specific case, where it chronicled her and her boyfriend (Travis Alexander) from the beginning and I must say, it slightly altered my perception of her. Now, I assumed like the rest of the country this poor guy was blindsideD, unaware of her dormant psychological issues. In fact, it was the opposite where Jodi had no problem flaunting her unstable mind from the get-go. Turns out she had broken into his home a few times, slashed his tires, and even moved to his hometown in a final act of winning him back after he had started dating someone else. However, none of this crazy behavior seemed to phase Travis, as he continued to sleep with Jodi, and have long-distance phone sex after she moved away, unbeknownst to his current girlfriend. In short: Jodi couldn't understand she was just a side dish, and would never be the main course. Travis had continually lead her on, and Jodi's psychotic obsession over him didn't seem to instill any fear or hesitation. In fact, it was the night of his murder she casually broke into his house, and instead of calling the police or asking her to leave, Travis slept with her, and his lack of common sense left him vulnerable setting the stage for his own murder. Now, I certainly don't think Travis deserved his fate AT ALL. His death was tragic, and it's sad that someone had all the signs, and only lost their life because they failed to read them. What I took away from the whole story, was to simply think twice about my actions and words. Don't allow someone to believe they have a chance, don't lead someone on whether they have dangerous tendencies or not. The lack of respect is something everybody handles differently. This is my advice to all of you. The next guy/girl might not be as obvious as Jodi. Be clear about your intentions, always and don't allow anyone to make assumptions. Dating is hard enough as it is without having to worry if that guy you're seeing has plans of chopping you up into bits. Be mindful, be respectful.
'Cause you never know. It could be your funeral next.
There's an issue that's been kind of bothering me. Many women in all walks of life, including prominent ones that for one reason or another are in the public eye, have been confusing the true definition of feminism. It's important to know, not just for the cause but also to accurately categorize yourself as a feminist or a non-feminist. There are many negative connotations surrounding it's belief. I am a feminist because I truly believe the sexes should live in equality. And I quote:
advocating social, political, legal, and economic rights for women equal to those of men.
It does not mean I hate men, or I wish to be superior to them. It does not mean I want to burn my bra, and live alone with cats. I do still agree a man who is courting a woman should at least hold the door open, or offer to pay for dinner. It doesn't mean I don't believe both sexes need each other to survive. Gender equality is meant to bring us together, not separate us or start a war. It affects us socially, economically, psychologically, and physically. the topic is well discussed, it's true but not much has been done to acknowledge it. To associate with being a feminist has begun to appear negative.
Many people seem to think sexism is this big conspiracy, slightly fabricated and dramatized when in fact a lot of true sexism is second nature, and overlooked immensely. I find it rather useless to put it any better than THIS, and would encourage you to read it in full. Another post from a blogger that truly put things in perspective. By the time you're finished you'll marvel at how much you never realized. I did.
Then next time, when you're at dinner with a group of people or at some cocktail party and the subject of feminism arises, whether positive or negative, you'll know what to say.
It has come to my attention that Venus is in retrograde. While Mercury's retrograde gets all the infamy, it doesn't get to have all the fun. There are some interesting things happening in this astrological phenomena which only occurs in Leo every eight years. It began July 25th, and will continue until September 6th. I have brushed up on some reading of the subject, and it seems it is unwise to start a love affair, amongst other things. The first phase we might feel in need of more attention or love, and it's very likely to cling to a past relationship for nurture. If this is the case, it is the best time to bring it to a close, air out the dirty laundry and put those feelings to rest. However the final two weeks of the retrograde is the one we must be weary of. Temptations will run high, with clouded judgement and so the stars are advising not to engage in any sex whatsoever, as it will most likely end on a bad note. I found all my reading to be incredibly affirming. Events have been set into motion that are changing my entire outlook, changing the way I feel about certain individuals or circumstances. To now discover this astrological event is aligned with my own perceptions is quite illuminating.
I also find it interesting I have been doing some other light reading, including the work of Leopold Von Sacher-Masoch, whose name is the derivative of the word masochism. Venus in Furs is quite an interesting read and that is an understatement. It had a certain affect on my outlook. I began feeling every great love story had failed me. Had sold me on this idea for most of my life that love conquered all, in all it's glorious climaxes and big on-screen kisses. I thought, why give your heart away to such whimsy? Love is an illusion, a mirror reflecting what we wish we saw in ourselves, or what we know we'll never possess. To desire someone and have them close is the ultimate conquest, but what if it doesn't have to be? What if they can be disposable, the way I was in someone else's mirror? Why be the lonely girl with a broken heart when you can be Aphrodite in the flesh, when you can be Venus draped in magnificent sable?
Now Venus's path is strikingly similar to my own. I won't give in to whimsy, or temptation but instead be the temptress. I won't be resolving any controversies because I will be the controversy. There will be no slip up's because The Goddess Of War is on my side.
To read more about Venus in retrograde, go here
I'm beginning a cleanse. As they say, out with the old and in the new. All I have of myself as an artist for the world to see is old and stale, so I am choosing not to let it represent me any further. Consider this an official notice:
Mostly all of my material will be deleted off the internet stratosphere within the next week. All videos, some songs, mostly the only image I have. I need to be rid of it to grace everyone with new, beautiful things. I wish I could spoil everyone with amazing shit, but truth be told it's hard out here for a pimp, and I'm trying my best. It's not that I'm ashamed of my past work, quite the contrary actually. I'm proud that when I had no means and no resources, I still managed to make things happen. I'm proud I devoted myself to creating something and seeing it to the very end. However, it's just too depressing that I've outgrown most of my old work, and it saddens me it's all there is. In the event of this detox, I will be anxious and determined to release new, amazing things. Work that represents who I am today. So get your fill babies, 'cause it's not going to be around for much longer.